Will you let me show you how to come closer?
Do you want to be someone I can close my eyes with and let go? If so listen. My boundaries are a gift.
Ways to share a loving boundary…
- Acknowledge the feeling of a boundary in your body, either emotionally or physically or both. Do you have tense muscles, a gut feeling, tight chest, and/or a squished face? Feel it and become an ally to this feeling while teaching others how to be with you in this moment. Is there an emotion that came with the sensations? Connect to yourself and take some time to get your experience. Even try giving yourself empathy.
- Take a moment to remember that both you and the other person you are with in this difficult emotional moment are good people and come with wounds and protection mechanisms, that have been in place for a very long time, likely before you ever knew each other. The person you are asking to honor your boundaries is likely more innocent than your nervous system is leading you to believe. The trigger began in your system and they tripped the hot wire (wound) that had an impact on you which brought you to the awareness that you need a boundary. So, lead with I statements to take personal responsibility for your triggers and to allow the other person to rise up with their love in taking care of you and your intricate system. Both folks are more innocent and no one is to blame. We all have triggers and we all get triggered. Boundaries are a safety protocol that teaches others how to handle our wounds (hot wires).
- Identify your boundary and the feelings that are arising. See if you can take a step back and look at the moment where you became deregulated. Can you identify what you do not want to happen again, in the same way? Can you identify what you needed in the moment instead?
- Share vulnerably. Eg; I know how important hugs are to you and I love hugs too, yet when you come in so quickly for a big squeeze I feel anxious and overwhelmed, can you go a little slower when you come in for a hug and make eye contact with me as you approach. I want to fully feel you and I do not want to get that rushed/anxious feeling when we are hugging.
- Listen to the other persons response. Encourage them to tell you how it feels to hear this boundary and ask if they can work with you on it.
- Give empathy and sit lovingly in their disappointment when needed/possible. Remember don’t apologize for you boundary, it may be tempting when you see the other person get emotional. Also, it’s okay to take a break to regulate or to ask for what you need to create a moment of co-regulation. (I like to stop talking and hug or sit touching legs or feet while we talk)
- Extra Credit; Get creative when possible when there is a desire to restructure the options around the boundary. Eg; “I love coming in for a quick hug, as that passionate feeling of sweeping you off your feet is so yummy for me! Can we practice eye contact and approach to the hug in hopes to help you and I both get our needs met?”
- Ask each other to rephrase the boundary in their own words, infuse the words with energies of love and care to see if you are both on the same page. Remember boundaries can be solid and a work in progress, sometimes simultaneously.
- Do a feelings check. Share feelings and give empathy, back and forth until everyone feels heard. Be careful not to blame, shame, and point fingers at each other. Lead with I statements, feelings, and listen with empathy.
- Ask each other if the conversation feels complete and if it doesn’t maybe repeat sharing vulnerably and giving empathy for a bit longer. This may take a few moments in time to tend to self care and relationship tending.
Giving and receiving boundaries is an emotional process that is fertile ground for rich intimacy, even more delicious sex as a result, especially when you are talking about pleasure or lack there of. Sharing boundaries lovingly is a fine art in the realms fostering secure attachment, that is a worthwhile skill to hone for a good life. Sharing feelings is intimacy. Having boundaries is a gift. Learning to live with disappointment is part of being alive.
If you need support let me know.
